25 Car Customizations That Make You Painfully Uncool

Many car enthusiasts aspire to have a unique ride that stands out from the rest; customizing a vehicle to reflect one's personality is the perfect way to do that. However, adding the wrong changes to a car can make even the most sophisticated cat look washed out, and nobody wants that. Sometimes it is best to keep things simple because a terrible paint job on a great classic car can also decrease its value. Here are twenty-five ways to upgrade any ride without becoming the guy everyone secretly hates.

25. Aftermarket Seats

There seems to be a correlation between putting race car parts on a non-race car and one’s level of immaturity. Aftermarket seats complete with a five-point harness will not make a Dodge Charger look any cooler, it will also not make it go faster, and deep down everyone knows that. Aftermarket seats can be very useful in a car that corners like a Lotus, as they prevent the sliding around that occurs on non-supportive seats.

24. Electronic Control Unit (ECU) Tuning

Chip tuning is a process that reprograms the electronic control unit (ECU) chip to make the engine perform better. Located in the injection system, the ECU ship is responsible for controlling the amount of fuel and air mixture taking place. When done by a reputable tuner, chip tuning can improve throttle response, increase the redline, and add power to a vehicle. However, there is always the risk of ruining the engine by asking a fellow wannabe who thinks he knows everything about cars to perform the procedure instead of a professional.

23. Get An Actual Sponsor

Obtaining an actual sponsorship from a reputable company is pretty impressive, and any driver sponsored by a particular brand of wheels rocking a decal on the side of their car is a boss. But putting that same decal on the back of your car because it looked cool on someone else’s is lame. Buying a name brand part is also not the same thing as being sponsored. Unless there is an actual contract in action, leave all indications of a sponsorship off of the car to avoid looking like a poser.

22. Suspension Tuning

Tuning a car’s suspension is a great way to help it perform better, it also gives it a bit of a personalized touch while driving. Just make sure the job is done by a professional who knows what they are doing and not by someone who will butcher the suspension. Also, avoid lowering the vehicle as far as it will go because who wants to spend a half hour trying to get over the driveway curb?

21. Aftermarket Wheels

One thing the average douchebag seems to lack is the understanding that function is more important than form. A good set of aftermarket wheels can help reduce the unsprung weight of a car, which will improve its speed and handling. But putting on a pair of blinged out 28-inch spinners is a guaranteed way to tell the world the driver still lives at home with mom and probably will for a long time.

20. Roll Cage

Roll cages have been used in NASCAR races since 1952, although they were not required at the time. Roll cages are a requirement today and must meet strict conditions to keep the driver safe. However, adding one to a daily commuter that has never spent any time on the track is the douchiest thing ever. If it does not belong on the race track, don't put a roll cage in it.

19. Sport Pedals

A car with a small stock gas pedal means it's probably impossible to heel-and-toe shift on, which means the car does not drive as smooth as it could. A driver gains more control over their vehicle when they replace stock pedals with proper sized motorsport ready pedals. Avoid being the guy who doesn't need sport pedals but has them anyway. No one sees them, and there are better improvement options out there if better control is needed.

18. Engine Swap

Just because someone has the money to swap out a little engine for a beast does not mean they should, especially if the car isn't built to handle one. While swapping out the engine is a relatively simple way to increase the power-to-weight ratio, it is not always the best idea as it can turn any decent car into a douche-ride. Avoid being that guy and at least seek the advice of a professional before making any irrational decisions.

17. Aero Upgrades

Lots of race car drivers make their car more aerodynamic to shave a few tenths off of lap time, and it is perfectly acceptable. There are upgrades specifically meant to increase down force for more controlled handling or lower drag, which can also help improve fuel economy. However, adding these enhancements to a Honda Civic only to make it appear faster is just pathetic.

16. Custom Upholstery

Getting custom upholstery can look really cool if done correctly, but be sure to take someone respectable along for a second opinion to prevent any potentially douchy touches. People should take a second look at a car because it is impressive, not because it is a train wreck and they cannot take their eyes away. Adding good quality custom leather to the interior with a simple color scheme is typically the best way to go.

15. Performance Exhaust

There are way too many performance exhaust options out there that sell for the sole purpose of making a car louder, which is the most annoying thing ever. To prevent coming off like a total douche, try picking an exhaust that adds just a few horsepower to the engine, that sounds good and has a reasonable decibel level. If the driver and passenger cannot have a conversation together in the front seat, it is too loud.

14. Short Throw Shifter

There is no catch here; a short throw shifter is a car modification that serves a purpose, so it brings the douchiness level down a little. Designed to help the driver shift a bit easier, a short throw shifter can shave a tenth of a second off of a car’s lap time. It is also a great upgrade for those on a budget and is relatively simple to do at home. Even cars that already have a great shifting gearbox can benefit from a short throw shifter kit.

13. Drivetrain Optimization

The thing to keep in mind here is not to overdo it, which is hard for the average douchebag. Swapping out heavier car parts for lighter ones is an easier way to improve power and speed in any engine, but keep it simple by thinking outside the box. Try investing in better air filters for a cheap and straightforward way to improve performance, and avoid putting a two thousand dollar carbon fiber driveshaft in a car that is not even worth that much.

12. Weight Reduction

Weight reduction is an effective way to get the most out of a vehicle; it helps with faster acceleration, better cornering, and even does better on gas. If a faster car is the ultimate goal, take out the back seats and swap out a heavy roof for a lighter one, do not apply fake carbon fiber appliqués. This does not make the car any lighter and tells everyone the driver has no idea what they are doing.

11. Shift Knob

There is a fine line between expressing individuality and looking like an idiot when it comes to shift knobs in a vehicle. To avoid the latter, consider a classic style that also serves a purpose by making the car easier to shift. Leave the skull head and revolver gun alone, it's been done. They do not serve any real function and can make the vehicle much harder to shift. Plus, having a fake revolver in the car is a guaranteed way to never get out of a ticket ever again if a cop sees it.

10. Aftermarket Steering Wheel

It is only necessary to have an aftermarket steering wheel if the car already has a four or five point harness, and intends to spend a lot of time on the track. While an aftermarket steering wheel is smaller and seems cool because it makes the vehicle easier to maneuver, it does not come with an airbag. No one should put their life on the line for the sake of looking cool, not even a douchebag.

9. Data Logger

Everything seems to come with a data logger these days, but not everything in life needs to be tracked, including the zero to sixty time on a big cruiser. One does not need a data logger to know big cars are slow; a good satellite tracker will be just fine for the average driver. But if the goal is to know exactly how well car corners, then the driver gets a free pass on this one.

8. Better Speakers

Douchebags sure love their sound systems, and they do not care who knows it. It is probably the biggest indication that someoneone is coming down the road, like a siren or alarm but a lot less necessary. There is nothing wrong with wanting music to sound better for those who are listening inside the car, but it reaches douchbag status when the rest of the world is forced to listen against their will. For the best sound system focus on quality, not volume.

7. A Winch

The only time it is acceptable to put a winch on a car is when it is an off-roading vehicle that is being driven off-road. Doing so can be the difference between being stuck in the mud and enjoying lunch in an air-conditioned restaurant. Putting a winch on a car with zero possibility of going off roading is pretty douchy, and is a sad attempt at making others think you spend the weekend on off-roading adventures (when they are really at a LARPing convention), not cool.

6. Improved Brakes

Getting better brakes is one of the more purposeful upgrades one can do to their car, like picking out a helmet is for a motorcyclist. Even if their helmet choice has a picture of Daffy Duck on it, it still serves an important role as a safety piece, and that can never be considered douchy. There is nothing wrong with showing off a new pair of brakes by getting some colored calipers. Good brakes help the car corner better, which means it will be on the throttle longer. It is a win-win for everyone.

5. New Tires

Great tires are another vehicular modification with no catch. Tires keep the driver separated from the road; therefore, it is important to keep these as new and safe as possible. A new set of tires can also make the car accelerate, handle, and brake better. There are no rules to follow here; do some research, and get the best set of tires you can buy for your ride as soon as possible. Rotate them often, take care of them on the road and the car will perform better. Honest to douche.

4. Forced Induction

Adding power to a car is great and all, but be sure to have it professionally done to prevent blowing out the engine and feeling like an idiot. Adding a supercharger or a turbocharger to a vehicle with a naturally aspirated engine may help increase its horsepower, improve better fuel economy, reduce lag, and provide a real RPM boost. Consult a professional to determine whether a turbocharger or supercharger is a better fit as they both have individual benefits.

3. Custom Paint

The paint job is the first thing people see when noticing a car. Some would argue that it is a direct reflection of the driver’s personality, so do not blow it by putting a naked girl on the hood. It is also a good idea to limit the paint selection to three colors or less and make sure they are not too flashy. It is never acceptable to put a religious icon, cartoon character, fake NASCAR sponsor, or any other douchy decals on a custom paint job either.

2. Pinstriping

If there is ever a question as to whether or not a car would look better with a pinstripe, the answer is probably no. A little accent can give the vehicle a bit of added personality but even then, the pinstriping should be kept to a minimum. Do not over do it and certainly do not put pinstriping on a dumb car like a PT Cruiser or a Honda Accord.

1. Coachbuilding

Coachbuilding is a bit of a lost art; it was popular in the 1930’s but quickly declined until World War I. Things went downhill in the 1960’s when reputable coachbuilding companies were limited to modifying a car’s outer panel alone. Business is doing well again today but should be taken with a grain of salt. Do not allow anyone to modify a car without at least having a second opinion from someone known for being tasteful.