First World Problems! Owning A Sports Car Isn't All It's Cracked Up To Be

January 25, 2023

I realize the first, second the third world titles are archaic terms from the Cold War era, but as language is prone to change, they’ve become synonymous with the development levels of a country. Living in a developed or first world nation has its advantages: paved roads, access to new vehicles and traffic laws to name just a few. But there are disadvantages too: safety regulations, pavement and access to new sports cars. Come with us on a tour of the problems faced by collectors, connoisseurs and everyday folks in nice cars.

Car Seat Doesn’t Fit

So you thought you’d buy yourself a beautiful roadster for when the kids are out of the house, and you feel like hitting the open road. Too bad your wife asked you to take the kids for a drive today! After fifteen minutes of contorting yourself over the forward-tilted front seat, you finally call the match a loss and accept that your little buckaroo won’t be able to enjoy the thrill of hitting 62 miles per hour until he’s big enough to buckle himself in without a booster seat. Sports cars with back seats that children can’t fit into are one of the leading causes of automotive apathy plaguing our youth today. Do your part and buy a car you can squeeze your family into.

Disclaimer: Never let your baby drive your sports car! Do not allow a small child to ride in the front seat, or in your car at all without a car seat (as pictured above).

Car Sits Too Low

Ever wonder why speed bumps are yellow? Legend has it that they’re colored by the paint scraped off of undercarriages and skirts of unsuspecting sports cars. Myths aside, this is a real epidemic in our society. A few years ago I worked for a landscape company. We were called to a client’s home to smooth out the end of their driveway because their brand new Ferrari couldn’t make it onto the street without touching down. The more significant problems were the speed bumps at either end of his residential block because he lived in a school zone. The client ended up with a quarter million dollar car they could only drive about a hundred feet in either direction before rubbing Ferrari Red all over the street.

If you’re already salivating at the thought of having these problems, our next issue will leave you hungry for more.

Not Enough Room For Groceries

What are you supposed to do when you get your cart to the trunk of your car, only to realize you don’t have room for all, or nearly any, of your groceries? It’s here where big decisions are made; coffee gets priority, so that means, of course, the milk has to come home too. Luckily the bread squishes down to make room, but the rumble of that massive V10 might just leave you with scrambled eggs, so they get left behind. Suddenly, you’ve been suckered into making three trips, and you’re bargaining with the store manager to let you stash your frozen food in the storage freezers until you get back. It’s times like these you start to wish it was winter so you could strap those chicken breasts to the roof to keep them frozen on the way home. Or maybe not.

Have to Drive The 4x4 Instead

It’s always a sad day when the first snow of the year arrives. When the mercury dips below freezing, it’s time to put the toys away. The inevitable convoy of classic cars and high-performance tuners headed to the local indoor-storage centers signals a seasonal change. Driveways, once lined with low-riding cruisers buffed to a blinding shine, now sport more practical vehicles; high sitting SUVs and smaller sedans used to feeling the sun only when groceries or kids needed hauling, become daily drivers. Suddenly, there are six bags of kitty litter in the truck, even though your family hasn’t had a cat since Mr. Pickles went missing four years ago. While the winter driver rattles along in worrying imitation of its summer sibling, it just doesn’t have the same feel.

Rearview Camera is Dirty

Don’t you hate it when technology fails you and you have to do it the old-fashioned way? I feel like a sucker having to use my neck everytime some mud or dust kicks up over my rearview camera. I know the manual says I need to check the area visually, but what’s the point of having a camera if you’re going to make me look around anyways? Someone should start putting little sprayers on the lens, so I don’t need to get out of my car or see where I’m going. Even worse is when someone tries to help and leaves a giant muddy fingerprint to look through.

Remote Start Doesn’t Start Everything

Like a good burger, buns are meant to be toasted, not frozen - which is why I hate driving in the winter. Sure, I can hit a button from the comfort of my toilet and start my car ten minutes before I leave for work, but I can’t turn on my seat warmer ahead of time, or my rear defrost. I realize this affects more than just sports car owners. Hell, by the time this is a problem, most sportsters have already taken part in their local parade to winter storage and swapped cars, leaving them to resent Winter’s cruelty to our behinds like the rest of us. Hopefully, they’ll take a moment while the car is in storage to clean themselves up.

Spend More on Detailing Supplies Than Personal Hygiene

I genuinely hope that this is hyperbole for most, though we understand if you can’t afford toothpaste after getting your bottomed out front bumper replaced. Just don’t let it go too far. Shampoo, soap, and food all start to add up when you’re paying to keep an art-piece on the road. But ask yourself this: what good is an attractive car if I smell like I’m in the midst of a chili binge and my windows don’t work? Spending a bit of extra money on your car is always nice, just make sure you can wash that grease off when you’re done. Plus, you want to look good for our next slide.

Dealing With Gawkers

Part of the allure of driving performance cars is the attention they draw - from women, men, curious cousins of someone who had something similar but not this awesome. The low rumble of a V12 or the high whine of a turbo spooling up can turn heads from blocks away, but sometimes you just want them to turn back around and let you drive. You don’t want to be hit up for conversation by pedestrians and other drivers at every light. Your car has been featured on more twitter accounts than it has the horsepower, and you’re pretty sure you’re starting to go blind from camera flashes. Not to mention the added attention from our next problem causer.

Becoming A Cop Magnet

We’ve all seen the memes and pictures of sports cars pulled off to the side so one of the cities finest can have a peek at a nice car. Wanting to look is a natural reaction to being in the presence of fine art. It’s not hard to believe high-performance vehicles get pulled over more often than other civvie drivers, but the jury’s still out on whether the cops just want a look or if they’re writing in their ticket book. Either way, when you’ve got a car pulled over that’s worth your yearly salary and then some, you may as well take a peek while you have the chance. Just be careful, our next problem will draw the attention of these guys if you’re not careful.

Everyone Drives Slow

Like the adage goes, anyone driving slower than you is a grandma and anyone driving faster is insane. The problem is, when you’re behind the wheel of a five hundred horsepower beast, it feels like everyone’s racing to their great-grandchild’s baby shower. It’s infuriating when the engine is chomping at the bit to let loose, but you can’t get past second gear. Times like these make us long to live in Germany, home of the speed-limitless Autobahn and progressive passing lane laws.