A Round-Up Of The Best And Worst Types of Drivers, Which One Are You?

January 10, 2023

Car manufacturers try their best to associate their vehicle with a particular personality. Lincoln called in Matthew McConaughey's quiet and cool demeanor to brand their models; while every truck manufacturer thinks their entry-level full-size should compete with Mack for position on construction sites. Sometimes, no amount of marketing can save a vehicle from finding its people. By their very nature, different types of cars attract different kinds of people. From the rural micro-monster truck to the urban businessman, let’s take a look at the various types of car owners you’ll meet out there in the wild.

The Redliner

Your typical Redliner is usually young - within a few months of graduating high school - and full of that youthful immortality. Traditionally spotted behind the wheel of an outdated Civic or Jetta, these speed demons see radar traps as race gates and make suburban neighborhoods their Le Mans Raceway. These types can be easily identified in the rearview by the fact that they’ll be too close to see, but you’ll feel the cheap aftermarket exhaust with every chug the engine still has left in it. These are also known as 'ghost cars' because the seat is usually set so low and heavily reclined that it becomes an abdominal exercise just to see over the wheel. They get their name from the high RPMs they seem to think the engine needs at all times.

The DIYer

This chameleon car-aficionado can be found in various groups, and they all take immense pride in the complex modifications they managed to do on their own. Whether it’s installing a sound system that Beethoven can hear from his grave, putting a lift kit in or getting an extra 3.107 horsepower - rounded of course - out of that exhaust overhaul they did. These drivers will walk you through the entire build while waiting in line for a coffee. Spotted amongst almost every group of car owner out there, these guys are the nerds of the auto world. For a case of beer, they’re usually happy to help their less mechanically inclined brethren with minor work.

The Biggest Truck On The Block

Found almost exclusively in rural areas, the size of the truck is often inversely correlated to the local education funding. Featuring such iconic paint jobs as the Confederate Flag or the classic spray can tester pack - with the ever-popular primer-grey door panel - these micro-monster trucks are often coated in mud from the nearest bog. The hierarchy for these trucks is based on the number of pants ruined while trying to hoist a leg into the cab, so make sure to stretch before accepting a ride. Meet the snobby cousin of the Biggest Truck On The Block driver next...

The Urban Truck Owner

It always seems odd when I see a suburbanite mom securing her children into the back seat of a massive F-250. I understand the security and sense of safety that comes with having a fortress of steel around you in an SUV, but the need for a full-sized pickup that doesn’t fit down their cul-de-sac eludes me, save for occupational necessity. This vehicle owner usually has migrated to the urban environment from a rural area and are still adjusting to their new surroundings. You’ll know this driver by the nose of the vehicle poking out across the sidewalk or the massive grille nicely framed in your rearview mirror while waiting for a stoplight. Unlike their rural cousin, the Urban Truck Owner takes pride in weekends spent soaping down their jacked up ride and polishing the paint into a blinding shine.

Happy To Have A Car

This guy loves driving. He may not have much, but he’s got his car and that’s all that matters. These drivers might be your best friend, but that car is their best friend. Usually driving a Craigslist special, held together with duct-tape and unconditional love, this driver is always down for a run to the store or the next town over. Need a ride home from the bar or a lift to the grocery store? This guy is happy for any reason to get behind the wheel. The Happy To Have A Car type is usually the unofficial Uber driver of the group. Just be nice when that 1990s era Corolla that screams in pain finally quits for good.

Luxury Cars Without Signals

We’ve all finished a turn only to realize the familiar rhythmic click-click-click of the signal was missing, but these people have made it a lifestyle choice. Nothing is more infuriating than seeing someone in a car that could be traded in for the down payment on a house, switching lanes and turning at lights without any forewarning. Traditionally spotted in mid-range BMWs and Mercedes, these drivers are on their way up the corporate ladder. Usuallydressed in a suit with a loosened tie, these people drive at the speed of business. Hope you filed your TPS reports because these guys don’t have time to spare for silly things like signals and basic road courtesy. However, not even the worst of these drivers can top this next group of road-warriors.

Sesame-Street Racers

These kids have watched all of the Fast and the Furious movies and took serious note. Arguably a subset of the Redliners, these kids have typically poured their entire college fund into their ride. Often a hotbed of gaudy hood-scoops, oversized fenders and neon skirt-lights, these kids-turned-young-adults could have successful careers as mechanics with all the work they do to their cars. You’ll hear the whine of a two-liter engine that was never meant to have a spooled up supercharger attached long before these kids fly past you on the highway. These drivers are often found in dense urban areas with easy access to the freeway. Like peacocks, these drivers are bright and highly decorative with their wheels in an attempt to draw the attention of a mate, or a passing police officer.

The Classic Car Guy

These guys know cars; they likely grew up in the muscle car era and were a generational predecessor to the Redliners. Auto-shows are like traveling Meccas to these types. Often overheard comparing notes on models that haven’t been produced in decades, these older gents are fans of big engines, big rumble, and little gas mileage. They ran their own ponies down the strip before kids today were even born, and most can still heel-toe the pedals so beautifully, it's as if automatic transmissions were never invented. You’ll know you’ve found one of these youthful old farts if their walls are adorned with tin pony car signs and a clock with their favorite car company logo. A lucky few of these still own their first cars, and those that don’t make a point to seek those models out and trade stories with the owner.

The Hippie

Every now and then luck shines through and you get to see a unicorn in the wild. The legendary styling of the Volkswagen Type 2 - better known as the VW Microbus - has been a staple of the Hippie lifestyle as long as tye-dye t-shirts and Maui-Waui. Famed for its fuel economy and shag carpeting, the Microbus is often heard from afar, pumping out the smooth guitar stylings of Jerry Garcia. The proven reliability of the rear mounted diesel engine means the smoke often seen billowing from these relics isn’t cause to call a mechanic.

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